Throughout the day, Naomi kept repeating to me that 'hu hu come, 怕怕' (the monkeys were coming, she was afraid). So much so that she refused to nap and sleep at night. She has even broken down in tears, fretting over the coming of those monkeys. I had to constantly assure her that those monkeys weren't coming and that I have had chased them away. Even then, I couldn't fully assuage her fears. While I was comforting Naomi, the spirit of God came upon me and spoke gently to my heart that this was something I needed to repent of and to ask of forgiveness from God and my daughter. 2 Timothy 1:7 came to mind. 'For God did not give us a spirit of fear or timidity, but one of love, power and self-control.' Who was I to instill fear into my daughter's heart to get her to obey? This is definitely not the way of the Lord. We have a loving Father who would not strike fear into our hearts just to get us to obey Him. He is a God of love and grace. I was immediately convicted of my sin and asked God and Naomi to forgive me. Thankfully, after two days, Naomi was sufficiently assured that the monkeys weren't after her and wasn't afraid. This was a priceless lesson that I have learnt in my parenting journey. Truly, the spirit of God leads and guides even though often times, I am clueless as a new parent. It is a reminder for me to lean upon the Lord in this parenting journey. I believe that by His grace, I will discover more of my Abba Father's heart for me, His child.
Friday 26 September 2014
The way of the Lord
Naomi absolutely hates to wash her hair. Whenever I start lathering shampoo on her hair, she will scream her head off and cry hysterically (ok, maybe i'm a being little dramatic here, but it is somewhat to that extent). She is at the stage where she doesn't want to put on diapers and clothes (if given the chance!) and I remember my mother-in-law telling me that to get Naomi to put on her diaper, she actually told her that the birds would come and peck on her if she doesn't. And it worked! So, by the same rationale, I could scare Naomi and get her to comply! I then animatedly cooked up a story of monkeys coming to pull Naomi's hair should she not wash it and she fell for it! She willingly allowed me to wash her hair and kept saying that the monkeys were coming. I was ecstatic, for once, washing her hair was a breeze. However, my happiness was short-lived.
Sunday 8 June 2014
Reflections and lessons learnt
How time flies! It's been... How many months?! Naomi will be turning 14 months tomorrow and i have, by the Lord's grace, survived at being a SAHM for the past 14 months! ;p Actually, I think 'survived' would have done injustice as a description of my journey as a SAHM. I must say that there are many moments of joy and sweetness watching my little one grow and mature. And I celebrate and thank God for this gift of life that He has bestowed upon Kevin and myself. During the course of this time, there are many precious lessons that I have learnt and am still learning. Just thought of penning them down as a reminder to myself and as a thanksgiving to God my father.
Firstly, I truly thank God for His protection and love towards Naomi. I am convicted that God sends his angels to watch over Naomi, and all of His children. Several times, Naomi encountered dangerous situations whereby she fell off the bed and nearly hit her head upon the sharp edge of my bed (it's just split-seconds :-/), but the Lord somehow shielded her and she has always scraped through each incident with merely a bad scare. Not that I should thus let my guard down and be careless, but every time something like this happens, I know in my heart that it is the LORD who has protected her. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him! Truly, God is merciful and He is the LORD who neither slumbers nor sleeps. And He keeps watch over His people. I can only thank Him!
Another lesson that I have learnt and am still learning is to be faithful. To be faithful not only in big matters, but more importantly, to be faithful in the small matters, wherever the Lord has called and led. During this season of my life, I feel that the Lord has called me into 'obscurity'. The Lydia in me wants to do 'great' things for the Lord, wants to be in the forefront, in the battlefield. But God is teaching me to be faithful to HIM, even while changing diapers, cleaning the house, singing baby songs, doing the seemingly insignificant, to do ALL unto Him and to be faithful to Him. Somehow, the Lord is doing a deep cleansing work in my heart to rid me of all ambition. Truly, like what the psalmist has so beautifully penned, 'like a weaned child with his mother, is my soul like a weaned child within me'. To be at rest in the Lord and to serve Him cheerfully and obediently even as a SAHM.
By the grace of God, He has done something in my heart to get rid of envy or strife. As a mother, I have limited time and energy to serve. Sometimes, I do wish that I can do more, meet more people, minister to others etc. Yet, I do not have the capacity to do so. I thank God that He has brought others alongside me to minister to others. The old me will probably have felt envious or maybe even intimidated. But, unknowingly, the Lord has done something in me such that I rejoice and praise God for fellow co-labourers in Christ! It doesn't matter who does what or how much, as long as we are faithful to His call and the Lord's kingdom is advanced, I praise the Lord. It is the Lord who has begun that work in my heart and I pray that He will continue to mold and shape my heart to be humble and completely His.
Perhaps, more than for the development and growth of Naomi, God has called me to stay home to mold me first. He is the potter and I am the clay. I am His child and He is my Abba Father who loves me and cares for me first, even before Naomi. My prayer is that I may grow deeper and deeper in love with Him, such that my baby will be drawn to know the passion of my heart.
Loving you always, Naomi,
Mummy
Firstly, I truly thank God for His protection and love towards Naomi. I am convicted that God sends his angels to watch over Naomi, and all of His children. Several times, Naomi encountered dangerous situations whereby she fell off the bed and nearly hit her head upon the sharp edge of my bed (it's just split-seconds :-/), but the Lord somehow shielded her and she has always scraped through each incident with merely a bad scare. Not that I should thus let my guard down and be careless, but every time something like this happens, I know in my heart that it is the LORD who has protected her. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him! Truly, God is merciful and He is the LORD who neither slumbers nor sleeps. And He keeps watch over His people. I can only thank Him!
Another lesson that I have learnt and am still learning is to be faithful. To be faithful not only in big matters, but more importantly, to be faithful in the small matters, wherever the Lord has called and led. During this season of my life, I feel that the Lord has called me into 'obscurity'. The Lydia in me wants to do 'great' things for the Lord, wants to be in the forefront, in the battlefield. But God is teaching me to be faithful to HIM, even while changing diapers, cleaning the house, singing baby songs, doing the seemingly insignificant, to do ALL unto Him and to be faithful to Him. Somehow, the Lord is doing a deep cleansing work in my heart to rid me of all ambition. Truly, like what the psalmist has so beautifully penned, 'like a weaned child with his mother, is my soul like a weaned child within me'. To be at rest in the Lord and to serve Him cheerfully and obediently even as a SAHM.
By the grace of God, He has done something in my heart to get rid of envy or strife. As a mother, I have limited time and energy to serve. Sometimes, I do wish that I can do more, meet more people, minister to others etc. Yet, I do not have the capacity to do so. I thank God that He has brought others alongside me to minister to others. The old me will probably have felt envious or maybe even intimidated. But, unknowingly, the Lord has done something in me such that I rejoice and praise God for fellow co-labourers in Christ! It doesn't matter who does what or how much, as long as we are faithful to His call and the Lord's kingdom is advanced, I praise the Lord. It is the Lord who has begun that work in my heart and I pray that He will continue to mold and shape my heart to be humble and completely His.
Perhaps, more than for the development and growth of Naomi, God has called me to stay home to mold me first. He is the potter and I am the clay. I am His child and He is my Abba Father who loves me and cares for me first, even before Naomi. My prayer is that I may grow deeper and deeper in love with Him, such that my baby will be drawn to know the passion of my heart.
Loving you always, Naomi,
Mummy
Monday 16 December 2013
Past 1 month
It has been a good one month since I last blogged and in this period of time, I have been amazed at the milestones that Naomi has reached. Firstly, she is able to sit steadily on her own. Secondly, at 7.5months old, she is able to clap her hands and does so whenever she hears music or when someone asks her to! Just last week, she learnt to fall backwards upon command (grandma taught her this and she falls back whenever we say 'pon chiak'!). Two days ago, she learnt how to reject people's interest and desire to carry her by turning away from them and clinging on tightly to my shirt. And today, she learnt how to wave bye-bye! All these happened so quickly and without warning. I sure am glad to be able to witness them and I give glory to God!
I thank God that throughout this course of time, Naomi has been a very cheerful baby who hardly cries. It is indeed an answered prayer for I prayed specifically while Naomi was in my womb, that she would be a happy baby (auntie joyce, not sure if you remember, but you prayed the same prayer for Naomi too). And Naomi has learnt to show affection to papa, mummy and her grandparents too! I will always remember the first time she used her tiny hands to draw my head to herself and then rested her cheeks against mine for a good 30seconds (14 dec 2013). This lovable baby loves hugs and kisses too and would spontaneously rest her head on the chest of mummy or papa. These heart-warming moments, I will always remember and I sincerely thank God for this precious gift of life. Thank you Lord for entrusting Naomi to the care of kevin and myself.
However, I am not going to deny the challenges that have come along our way. In fact, to put it simply, it has brought much upheaval to our lives and lifestyles. Even though it has been eight months, Kevin and I are still adjusting to our new family life together. I wouldn't deny that there were times where there was tension between us, two exhausted and often times, clueless individuals trying hard to adapt to being parents. It didn't help that there was no support peer group going through a similar life station, and that made it tougher. But our trust and confidence is in the Lord, that He will see us through. Also, it does get better as Naomi gets older. She is less sticky to me and I am able to leave her with familiar family members for a period of time to take a break. Kevin has also been the sweetest in relieving me even though I know he is equally deadbeat. During this season, I have also entertained thoughts of returning to work on a part-time basis, just to keep my sanity. However, I need, once again to hear from the Lord and know his call for my life during this season of time. I need that reassurance from the Lord that this is what He has called me to do and to rest in His faithfulness that He will carry me through! If I were to search my heart, this is truly the toughest call of God upon my life thus far, and I do wonder if I will survive and whether my labour in the lord will be in vain. I do not think that not being a sahm makes one less worthy as a mother. However, what matters is the call of God. Many may call me foolish to give up a secure job to stay home to look after Naomi when there are so many good alternatives. But the cry of my heart is to obey the Lord, more than taking care of the well-being of my child. When I obey Him, I know that He will take care of Naomi.
Sweetest Naomi, I do not need you to be a bright child or even a well-rounded child, mummy just want you to know that you are well-loved, by your abba papa, papa and mummy. Be happy and live unto the Lord.
I thank God that throughout this course of time, Naomi has been a very cheerful baby who hardly cries. It is indeed an answered prayer for I prayed specifically while Naomi was in my womb, that she would be a happy baby (auntie joyce, not sure if you remember, but you prayed the same prayer for Naomi too). And Naomi has learnt to show affection to papa, mummy and her grandparents too! I will always remember the first time she used her tiny hands to draw my head to herself and then rested her cheeks against mine for a good 30seconds (14 dec 2013). This lovable baby loves hugs and kisses too and would spontaneously rest her head on the chest of mummy or papa. These heart-warming moments, I will always remember and I sincerely thank God for this precious gift of life. Thank you Lord for entrusting Naomi to the care of kevin and myself.
However, I am not going to deny the challenges that have come along our way. In fact, to put it simply, it has brought much upheaval to our lives and lifestyles. Even though it has been eight months, Kevin and I are still adjusting to our new family life together. I wouldn't deny that there were times where there was tension between us, two exhausted and often times, clueless individuals trying hard to adapt to being parents. It didn't help that there was no support peer group going through a similar life station, and that made it tougher. But our trust and confidence is in the Lord, that He will see us through. Also, it does get better as Naomi gets older. She is less sticky to me and I am able to leave her with familiar family members for a period of time to take a break. Kevin has also been the sweetest in relieving me even though I know he is equally deadbeat. During this season, I have also entertained thoughts of returning to work on a part-time basis, just to keep my sanity. However, I need, once again to hear from the Lord and know his call for my life during this season of time. I need that reassurance from the Lord that this is what He has called me to do and to rest in His faithfulness that He will carry me through! If I were to search my heart, this is truly the toughest call of God upon my life thus far, and I do wonder if I will survive and whether my labour in the lord will be in vain. I do not think that not being a sahm makes one less worthy as a mother. However, what matters is the call of God. Many may call me foolish to give up a secure job to stay home to look after Naomi when there are so many good alternatives. But the cry of my heart is to obey the Lord, more than taking care of the well-being of my child. When I obey Him, I know that He will take care of Naomi.
Sweetest Naomi, I do not need you to be a bright child or even a well-rounded child, mummy just want you to know that you are well-loved, by your abba papa, papa and mummy. Be happy and live unto the Lord.
Sunday 3 November 2013
Lovable moments
Here is a list of the lovable moments with sweet Naomi, a perk-me-up which works even better than coffee:
1. She wakes me up in the morning, pats on my arm till I turn my face towards her, and through groggy eyes, I see her beaming up at me. I forget all my tiredness.
2. She laughs despite my feeble attempts at play (i'm so bad at play, I think only Naomi would be intrigued by me).
3. In the middle of the night, she raises her legs and immediately, it is followed by a fart. She then slams her elephant thighs down again, all while being sound asleep.
4. She awakes in the middle of a nap, babbles to herself and in two minutes, falls straight back to sleep again. I am dumbfounded!
5. She calms immediately upon hearing my voice even though she may be crying inconsolably the moment before.
6. She chuckles in great delight and kicks her legs when she thinks papa is playing hide-and-seek with her (even though he wasn't haha).
7. For no rhyme or reason, she looks up at me and flashes the sweetest smile (you know, each smile somehow looks different and conotes a different meaning).
8. T.H.E moment when I discovered her first attempt to crawl (legs curled, butt lifted). Ok, I was esctatically calling out to my hubby to look!
9. She opens her arms to me when I raise my hands to carry her.
10. She strokes my face and 'sayangs' me, even though the very next moment, her small hands dive for my hair (she has a very strong grip :-/).
This is a reminder that all that I am doing is worth it. It is worth the time, the energy, the efforts and the 'sacrifices' made! I wish I can capture every moment. Even though I look forward to the time when Naomi can crawl, walk, run and talk, but I think I will miss this very moment that I have with her, this very present moment.
Mummy loves you always, my precious gift from God.
1. She wakes me up in the morning, pats on my arm till I turn my face towards her, and through groggy eyes, I see her beaming up at me. I forget all my tiredness.
2. She laughs despite my feeble attempts at play (i'm so bad at play, I think only Naomi would be intrigued by me).
3. In the middle of the night, she raises her legs and immediately, it is followed by a fart. She then slams her elephant thighs down again, all while being sound asleep.
4. She awakes in the middle of a nap, babbles to herself and in two minutes, falls straight back to sleep again. I am dumbfounded!
5. She calms immediately upon hearing my voice even though she may be crying inconsolably the moment before.
6. She chuckles in great delight and kicks her legs when she thinks papa is playing hide-and-seek with her (even though he wasn't haha).
7. For no rhyme or reason, she looks up at me and flashes the sweetest smile (you know, each smile somehow looks different and conotes a different meaning).
8. T.H.E moment when I discovered her first attempt to crawl (legs curled, butt lifted). Ok, I was esctatically calling out to my hubby to look!
9. She opens her arms to me when I raise my hands to carry her.
10. She strokes my face and 'sayangs' me, even though the very next moment, her small hands dive for my hair (she has a very strong grip :-/).
This is a reminder that all that I am doing is worth it. It is worth the time, the energy, the efforts and the 'sacrifices' made! I wish I can capture every moment. Even though I look forward to the time when Naomi can crawl, walk, run and talk, but I think I will miss this very moment that I have with her, this very present moment.
Mummy loves you always, my precious gift from God.
Sunday 22 September 2013
Thanksgiving
It has been a while since I've blogged. In actual fact, I have had written 2 other posts but they are all half done. And by the time I continued on them, Naomi has progressed and the posts seem dated. Hence I have decided to start afresh and chronicle some thoughts about my parenting journey thus far. And the many blessngs that came along with it.
The truth is it has not been an easy journey. There are many ups and downs, and sometimes, when life seems so mundane and monotonous (tiring too!), I do wonder if there is any purpose in me staying home and if it may be better for Naomi and I if she is taken care by someone else instead. But time and again, whenever I start to waver, the Lord would remind me of His call and in essence, it is the call to obedience. I may not see the fruit of this obedience right now, but I just have to be faithful to Him who calls.
It has been 5 months and 2 weeks since I left my job (or any form of sanity for that matter ;p). As much as I may miss my job, and the perks (financial security, social and intellectual stimulation, the motivation to be well-groomed) that come along with it, I do not think that I have the heart to leave Naomi in the charge of someone else now (even trustworthy and loving care-takers like her grandparents!) and return to work. She has grown attached to me as much as I have grown attached to her (well, mummy cannot be out of sight for tooooo long. In people's opinion, it may be a bad thing... i need to train her not to be sticky and to be independent etc. But I'm glad she recognises mummy and I'm sure it won't be long before she decides to detach herself from me! So i'll enjoy it while it lasts. Furthermore, she is only a baby!) And I celebrate every little milestone that she has achieved. Her first spontaneous smile (and not because of muscle reflex), her first turn onto her back, her first babbling/more of croaking in response to people talking to her, her first handshake and high five, her first chuckle, her first time sitting upright (and enjoying it!)... All these I hold dearly to my heart and I am so thankful to have been able to watch her achieve these. And to be a part of it.
I am also grateful to God for my family. It hasn't been an easy adjustment for my hubby too. There are times when we are both frustrated with each other and helpless in this parenting journey. But I am thankful that despite his sense of indequacy, my husband actively helps out and is involved in raising Naomi. I know that despite whatever disagreements we may have, I have a husband who loves me and Naomi and that is more than enough. We will survive! :p I am also thankful for my dad, my parents-in-law, and my extended family. Their love for us and Naomi is evident and it would be a tough journey without their family support.
When I start counting my blessings, the list is endless! I have to say that I have not have had any hiccups in my breastfeeding journey thus far (even if I did, they must be so minute that I can't remember). No cracked/sore/bleeding nipples, no lack of milk supply, no painful engorgement, no preference of bottle over nipple etc. This, I have to give glory to God. I remember praying hard even before the arrival of Naomi, for God to empower and enable me to nurse Naomi successfully. And God has blessed me abundantly, beyond what I could have ever asked for. My success has to also be attributed to a dear friend (you know who you are!), who has encouraged me along the journey, who has come down personally to show me the ropes of bfg, who is on call 24/7 for me to ask questions or to raise concerns. Such a precious gift of friendship! And I am thankful for her love for me. :) These are the countless blessings of God, what is there left for me to complain!
God has been so good to my family and I in so many ways. He has answered many prayers that I have uttered to him, even on seemingly small matters. If I am to write them down, this blog would be too lengthy! I can only proclaim that truly, my God is good all the time! He does not promise a bed of roses as we go through life. But He promises His presence and Himself. What or who can supersede that!
The truth is it has not been an easy journey. There are many ups and downs, and sometimes, when life seems so mundane and monotonous (tiring too!), I do wonder if there is any purpose in me staying home and if it may be better for Naomi and I if she is taken care by someone else instead. But time and again, whenever I start to waver, the Lord would remind me of His call and in essence, it is the call to obedience. I may not see the fruit of this obedience right now, but I just have to be faithful to Him who calls.
It has been 5 months and 2 weeks since I left my job (or any form of sanity for that matter ;p). As much as I may miss my job, and the perks (financial security, social and intellectual stimulation, the motivation to be well-groomed) that come along with it, I do not think that I have the heart to leave Naomi in the charge of someone else now (even trustworthy and loving care-takers like her grandparents!) and return to work. She has grown attached to me as much as I have grown attached to her (well, mummy cannot be out of sight for tooooo long. In people's opinion, it may be a bad thing... i need to train her not to be sticky and to be independent etc. But I'm glad she recognises mummy and I'm sure it won't be long before she decides to detach herself from me! So i'll enjoy it while it lasts. Furthermore, she is only a baby!) And I celebrate every little milestone that she has achieved. Her first spontaneous smile (and not because of muscle reflex), her first turn onto her back, her first babbling/more of croaking in response to people talking to her, her first handshake and high five, her first chuckle, her first time sitting upright (and enjoying it!)... All these I hold dearly to my heart and I am so thankful to have been able to watch her achieve these. And to be a part of it.
I am also grateful to God for my family. It hasn't been an easy adjustment for my hubby too. There are times when we are both frustrated with each other and helpless in this parenting journey. But I am thankful that despite his sense of indequacy, my husband actively helps out and is involved in raising Naomi. I know that despite whatever disagreements we may have, I have a husband who loves me and Naomi and that is more than enough. We will survive! :p I am also thankful for my dad, my parents-in-law, and my extended family. Their love for us and Naomi is evident and it would be a tough journey without their family support.
When I start counting my blessings, the list is endless! I have to say that I have not have had any hiccups in my breastfeeding journey thus far (even if I did, they must be so minute that I can't remember). No cracked/sore/bleeding nipples, no lack of milk supply, no painful engorgement, no preference of bottle over nipple etc. This, I have to give glory to God. I remember praying hard even before the arrival of Naomi, for God to empower and enable me to nurse Naomi successfully. And God has blessed me abundantly, beyond what I could have ever asked for. My success has to also be attributed to a dear friend (you know who you are!), who has encouraged me along the journey, who has come down personally to show me the ropes of bfg, who is on call 24/7 for me to ask questions or to raise concerns. Such a precious gift of friendship! And I am thankful for her love for me. :) These are the countless blessings of God, what is there left for me to complain!
God has been so good to my family and I in so many ways. He has answered many prayers that I have uttered to him, even on seemingly small matters. If I am to write them down, this blog would be too lengthy! I can only proclaim that truly, my God is good all the time! He does not promise a bed of roses as we go through life. But He promises His presence and Himself. What or who can supersede that!
Tuesday 27 August 2013
Confession
I have a confession to make. My water-loving baby has developed a fear of water and baths because of me. :-/ This overly zealous mummy, upon seeing how her little one loved to splash about in her tiny bath tub, decided to up her adventure and plonked her into an adult-sized bath tub (with mummy of course), forgetting that she is just a four month old baby! She loved water, so she would probably love splashing in a bigger tub, no? I was so wrong! And great is my regret!
Naomi now dreads her bath and the sight of her bath tub makes her cry. Her baths which used to be a breeze has now turned into a nightmare for the both of us and a major disappointment for me. My well-meaning intentions have backfired and I can't help being upset with myself for ruining my daughter's favourite time of the day. It has always brought me much delight seeing her smile and kick around in the water. Now, she just wants it to be over. Sigh, what have I done? I can't help feeling guilty for causing my daughter to fear water and I pray fervently that God will grant me the wisdom to know how to help her overcome it. My dream of bringing her to the pool, teaching her how to swim and swimming with her seems dashed at the moment. What have I done?!
But like what my husband has reminded me, maybe I am being too hard on myself. We are first-time parents after all and we make mistakes. We learn from them and grow. Why do I need to beat myself up over it? Plus, not knowing how to swim is not a matter of life or death (to the obstinate me, it is. Isn't it a vital life skill?) Perhaps he is right. I am being too harsh on myself. Yet, there is that twinge of guilt whenever it is time for Naomi's bath and my heart aches (literally) whenever I see her cry so miserably during bath times. I can't help but feel that it is my fault.
Maybe this is a learning journey more for me, than for Naomi to overcome her fear of water. As my husband has so aptly put it, I can't expect myself to be that perfect parent. He is right.
Subconsciously, I am afraid of making mistakes. Afraid of harming or affecting Naomi through my mistakes. Afraid of failing as a parent. At the heart of it, I need to die to myself and learn to trust God in this parenting journey. I need to cease striving and be that imperfect parent that God can mold and shape. I am thankful that God is sovereign and I can have that assurance that even if I make a thousand and one mistakes, Naomi is and will be well-taken care of by God. Because Her maker and her Abba Father loves her more than I can ever do. I need to stop putting myself on a guilt trip. I need to trust God in a time like this (though it seems like a small matter) to help Naomi overcome her fear of water and develop the love for it again. I don't know how long it will take. Maybe days, weeks or months. But I will trust God to help her. I will trust my God even in my imperfections. This parenting journey is for me, for my growth. And perhaps, God in his love for me, has allowed me to make that mistake so that I can see the old me that needs to be died to. That Lydia who so fears making mistakes.
And Naomi, mummy will always be an imperfect mummy. I ask that you will forgive me in time to come for all the mistakes that I have and will make while bringing you up. I only pray that through papa's and my life, we will point you to Jesus, even in all of our imperfections and weaknesses.
Loving you always,
Mummy
Naomi now dreads her bath and the sight of her bath tub makes her cry. Her baths which used to be a breeze has now turned into a nightmare for the both of us and a major disappointment for me. My well-meaning intentions have backfired and I can't help being upset with myself for ruining my daughter's favourite time of the day. It has always brought me much delight seeing her smile and kick around in the water. Now, she just wants it to be over. Sigh, what have I done? I can't help feeling guilty for causing my daughter to fear water and I pray fervently that God will grant me the wisdom to know how to help her overcome it. My dream of bringing her to the pool, teaching her how to swim and swimming with her seems dashed at the moment. What have I done?!
But like what my husband has reminded me, maybe I am being too hard on myself. We are first-time parents after all and we make mistakes. We learn from them and grow. Why do I need to beat myself up over it? Plus, not knowing how to swim is not a matter of life or death (to the obstinate me, it is. Isn't it a vital life skill?) Perhaps he is right. I am being too harsh on myself. Yet, there is that twinge of guilt whenever it is time for Naomi's bath and my heart aches (literally) whenever I see her cry so miserably during bath times. I can't help but feel that it is my fault.
Maybe this is a learning journey more for me, than for Naomi to overcome her fear of water. As my husband has so aptly put it, I can't expect myself to be that perfect parent. He is right.
Subconsciously, I am afraid of making mistakes. Afraid of harming or affecting Naomi through my mistakes. Afraid of failing as a parent. At the heart of it, I need to die to myself and learn to trust God in this parenting journey. I need to cease striving and be that imperfect parent that God can mold and shape. I am thankful that God is sovereign and I can have that assurance that even if I make a thousand and one mistakes, Naomi is and will be well-taken care of by God. Because Her maker and her Abba Father loves her more than I can ever do. I need to stop putting myself on a guilt trip. I need to trust God in a time like this (though it seems like a small matter) to help Naomi overcome her fear of water and develop the love for it again. I don't know how long it will take. Maybe days, weeks or months. But I will trust God to help her. I will trust my God even in my imperfections. This parenting journey is for me, for my growth. And perhaps, God in his love for me, has allowed me to make that mistake so that I can see the old me that needs to be died to. That Lydia who so fears making mistakes.
And Naomi, mummy will always be an imperfect mummy. I ask that you will forgive me in time to come for all the mistakes that I have and will make while bringing you up. I only pray that through papa's and my life, we will point you to Jesus, even in all of our imperfections and weaknesses.
Loving you always,
Mummy
Monday 19 August 2013
Kids v.s. freedom
A friend casually asked me one day if given the opportunity to do it all over again, would I choose to have personal freedom or kids. Without a second thought, I chose kids. However, if I could do it differently, I may choose to have kids slightly later to enjoy more couple time with my hubby (but Naomi, we DO NOT regret having you and we love you lots!).
Why kids and not freedom? I have to admit that having kids take up a lot of time and energy (unless one decides to 'outsource' his kids, but then what is the point of having them then?) and as my previous posts have mentioned, it has a great impact on my personal and family life. No longer can I do whatever I please, go wherever I want, as and when I desire to. I have to think about my little one and look out for her well-being. I have to make sacrifices. Therein lies the beauty of having children. I learn to put my husband's and daughter's interests above my own. I learn to serve them (many times it means not getting my 'own' way). I learn to become less self-centered and self-absorbed. I learn to be more patient. In the process, I become (I hope it is true, that you will have to ask my husband!) a better person (and more importantly, more like Christ). When you have a child, you learn to love the child unconditionally and would do all for the best interests of the child. One would not be able to fully comprehend this unless one becomes a parent (my husband says he loves our daughter sooooo much and would die for her, he has never ever said that to me! :p). It is also through parenting that I catch a glimpse of my Abba Father's heart for me. Even though it has only been about four and a half months, but I know that my greatest joy would be to see Naomi (and my future kids to come) love and serve the Lord. It would be great if they become full-time servants of the Lord!
It is meaningless to live for oneself. After all, we would all die one day and what would we live behind? Who will remember us? Will our lives make any impact on others at all? Does it really matter that we get to travel the world (many peers have commented that they would rather travel the world than have kids)? The people in whom we can greatly impact for Christ are our children. They live with us, watch us and emulate us. 24/7. It is God's charge to us to be fruitful and multiply! And more significantly, 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up...' (Deut6:5-9) It is a high calling to be a parent and to disciple our children. We never know, they may become the movers and shakers of the next generation or even their community, whatever the Lord calls them to. It is exciting to join God in His work of making disciples of our children! We may get all the freedom in the world and get to enjoy all the luxuries of the world, without bearing the heavy yet priceless responsibility of raising our children in His ways, yet at the end of it all, it may just be as King Soloman has said, 'vanity, all is vanity!'
I have to qualify that we should not have children simply for the sake of having them, or for the fear of growing old alone, else we will not have captured God's heartbeat for parents (and we will probably be parenting our children according to our own wisdom and ways). Until and unless we see God's call upon our lives to raise up a godly generation, all our efforts in parenting (or lack of) will be in vain.
Naomi, mummy prays that papa and mummy will have the opportunity to lead you to Christ.
Loving you always,
Mummy
Why kids and not freedom? I have to admit that having kids take up a lot of time and energy (unless one decides to 'outsource' his kids, but then what is the point of having them then?) and as my previous posts have mentioned, it has a great impact on my personal and family life. No longer can I do whatever I please, go wherever I want, as and when I desire to. I have to think about my little one and look out for her well-being. I have to make sacrifices. Therein lies the beauty of having children. I learn to put my husband's and daughter's interests above my own. I learn to serve them (many times it means not getting my 'own' way). I learn to become less self-centered and self-absorbed. I learn to be more patient. In the process, I become (I hope it is true, that you will have to ask my husband!) a better person (and more importantly, more like Christ). When you have a child, you learn to love the child unconditionally and would do all for the best interests of the child. One would not be able to fully comprehend this unless one becomes a parent (my husband says he loves our daughter sooooo much and would die for her, he has never ever said that to me! :p). It is also through parenting that I catch a glimpse of my Abba Father's heart for me. Even though it has only been about four and a half months, but I know that my greatest joy would be to see Naomi (and my future kids to come) love and serve the Lord. It would be great if they become full-time servants of the Lord!
It is meaningless to live for oneself. After all, we would all die one day and what would we live behind? Who will remember us? Will our lives make any impact on others at all? Does it really matter that we get to travel the world (many peers have commented that they would rather travel the world than have kids)? The people in whom we can greatly impact for Christ are our children. They live with us, watch us and emulate us. 24/7. It is God's charge to us to be fruitful and multiply! And more significantly, 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up...' (Deut6:5-9) It is a high calling to be a parent and to disciple our children. We never know, they may become the movers and shakers of the next generation or even their community, whatever the Lord calls them to. It is exciting to join God in His work of making disciples of our children! We may get all the freedom in the world and get to enjoy all the luxuries of the world, without bearing the heavy yet priceless responsibility of raising our children in His ways, yet at the end of it all, it may just be as King Soloman has said, 'vanity, all is vanity!'
I have to qualify that we should not have children simply for the sake of having them, or for the fear of growing old alone, else we will not have captured God's heartbeat for parents (and we will probably be parenting our children according to our own wisdom and ways). Until and unless we see God's call upon our lives to raise up a godly generation, all our efforts in parenting (or lack of) will be in vain.
Naomi, mummy prays that papa and mummy will have the opportunity to lead you to Christ.
Loving you always,
Mummy
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